Friday, January 21, 2011

The 4 Stupidest Characters in the New Crown Textbooks

My new hobby is picking numbers out of thin air and getting angry about them (see my 5 most annoying pages and 3 appalling stories from New Crown), so here are the 4 stupidest characters in the New Crown textbooks.

I've had just about all I can take of this awful cast. Praise the lord I haven't been subjected to the CD version of these total puppets yet.

Anyway, whatever, here they are, and apologies in advance for my anger.

Paul Green
"I know, right?!"
Future acne-scarred, Bill S Preston look-a-like, Iraq war apologist, jock Paul is my first figure of hate. His douchey blonde-haired stereotype is straight out of Home Improvement or 90210 and scrapes a toothbrush hard against my gag reflex. What's in your bag Paul? Is it something stereotypical? Oh, an American football! I was expecting, I dunno, a gun and 2 kilos of coke? You cracker bitch.

"To the douche-mobile!"
His brief appearance in NC3 is only embarrassing, but at least he found out how to use the Internet. Let's just hope his child-grooming father knows how to work the parental lock. Unlikely. I bet the only kanji they know between them is δΌ‘ and 友達, thanks to Ms. Sasaki and Poor Kumi.

I don't know what happened to Paul when he came to Japan. At least, I presume he wasn't born here, otherwise he'd be playing down his American-ness somehow, right? And maybe he wouldn't dream so hard about playing American Football with black guys (not going to happen). But anyway, his first appearances in NC1 are pretty butch. He looks like he's been doing some lifting and bench presses. Turn the clock forward two years and he's just another tender-hearted featherweight. Fast forward to the teary-eyed walkaway at the end of Chapter 8 and he's even put on a bit of weight. Whatever, forget Paul.

Matted-haired, suspiciously-stinky Ratna and her Special-Olympics-clap-along to every goddamn thing in the book deserve no more mention than this, if only because she has nothing to talk about except the fact that she's from India.

Poor Kumi
And then there's Poor Kumi. Clearly just trying to make friends and be nice, she annoys the living hell out of me. My only moment of comfort is when she openly wets herself on the opening pages of NC1.

Her ferociously annoying chirpiness grates against everything I stand for. "Oh, a kite! That's nice!" "I have a tennis ball!!!!!" "This is my rainbow coloured knitted jumper!!" "Do you want a break?" God, yes...

The only respite from her awful kid's TV personality is at the end of NC3 when she's clearly grown into a fine figure of womanhood. She and her friends walk off misty-eyed together across a map of the world and you just know she cried at graduation. The best part is: I bet no one ever calls her. All her "friends" leave her to stew in the psychological crash that surely follows her entry into Best High School in the Region. She descends into a deep, dark depression eventually chronicled in minute detail by Natsuo Kirino, the fruit of whose labor gains a steady cult following.

Take that, keener. Keen bean. Try hard. Twat.

Wang Ming or Ming Wang or Wing Mang or whatever he is
I hate to even get started on Wang Ming; the obscenely dull Chinese kid who thinks "Wonder Rings" are some genius invention which defy all logic, rather than the most pathetic opening to any textbook in the history of government-supported education. Someone definitely isn't from the big city. How many more times must I slog through painful classes where the JTE forces the children to actually follow Ming's instructions and make those terrible attempts at magic?

Kumi :  Just a minute. Wonderful!


Things go from bad to worse for Wang, or Ming, or whatever we're supposed to call him; in NC1, he desperately needs the toilet but can't find it. It's behind you, moron. The writers give him one more chance to prove himself with a cultural insight into China in NC3, and the best he can come up with is the Great Wall. Yeah, great, but what have you done lately?

All of this helps to explain why he only manages to be on one page in NC2, and even that was only because Poor Kumi felt sorry for him.
No-one wants to hug you.
And god-dammit that's the end of this stupid blog and I hope you all hate it!!!

..sorry :(

Oh... hi guys. These are my, uh, friends.


  1. It's all so true!
    Wait until you hear the CD's, Ratna has a horrible winy....american voice. She is clearly a fraud who has never even been to India!

  2. Thanks for the comment, Laura. I look forward to hearing Ratna's voice like a kick in the nuts.

    I like your blog!